Things I would do differently next time

Here are some things I did (or rather didn't do) during my maternity hospital stay that I will definitely do next time (ha!!).

• I didn't carry the baby back to the room in my arms - she was pushed in the hospital bassinet thingy by my husband.  I'm not sure why this is - maybe something to do with the fact I was a little bit delirious, being pushed in an obese person's wheelchair, she was asleep, and no one suggested it.  In fact, I didn't hold her much at all, but she didn't seem to want to be held.  It seems she was asserting herself even then!
• I didn't wrap the baby up in any sort of soft and lovely wrap (which I did have, but thought would be used later and never was) or put a beanie on her little head to keep her warm (and hide the sore on her head).  In fact I wasn't the one that wrapped her at all, her come to think of it the nurses did it - and just in their standard cotton waffle blanket. 
• I didn't put her in any of the gorgeous clothes she was given at my baby shower until we went home.  She was in a 0000 grey singlet from Target the whole hospital stay (four days).
• I didn't take any proper clothes with me.  Even if I did I probably wouldn't have worn them because in my head I kept thinking I need to be able to get naked quickly so I can do skin-on-skin.  So I would just pull off my singlet top and be completely braless.  I think I gave one of the paediatricians a heart attack doing so.  It turns out I went to uni with him, we were lab partners in a first year chemistry unit.  I'm pretty sure he wasn't expecting to be bumping into me or my boobies that day.
• I didn't ask my husband to take a better photo of me with the baby in the hospital.
• I didn't have any nipple shields or even know what they were!
• I was alone during a lot of my labour.  Hubby stays the whole time next time,  if I don't get to sleep, neither do you buck-o!!!

Where did I go?

So my last post was waaayyy back in September.   I haven't had anything particularly important to say during that time and also realised a few things, and still its not particularly important or groundbreaking but it is on my mind so now's the time to get it all out.

1) This is not earth shattering stuff.  We mama's know, oh so well, that being a mama is concurrently sucky and lovely.

2)  No one is reading it.  I know this because there is a tracking function and I get exactly zilch hits.  I don't feel obligated to keep up my readership updated with my newest antics because there is no readership.

3) My writing isn't particularly funny or heartwarming or witty or clever.  My anecdotes are not particularly interesting and I'm not a good story teller, I get too bogged down in getting every little detail in exactly the chronological order that it occurred.  It makes me feel better about how I remember things but its not exactly riveting stuff to read once its done.  I don't want to tell the world about every little thing I do because then I will become a study in my own self absorption. Once I got down those few posts I wrote in August and September I felt a lot better and the need to write it all down went away.  I've felt like I needed to justify that, but as for the why and whom to, I have no idea.

4)  There are a lot more exciting and funny mama blogs out there than mine that I love reading.  For example theuglyvolvo amalah alphamom and yes I do actually have an In Real Life friend (or more correctly my friends wife) that writes a mama blog and it is actually funny and interesting.  I'm a bit jealous because she wrote this post about her mothers group which I had already thought about writing and she did a better job than I could (except that I don't have enough friends so my mothers group filled in that hole nicely).  So for the record here is a photo of the posts I wanted to write for this blog waaayyy back in August complete with snail, nyah.

5)  Charlie Bear went from being an immobile little cherub and turned into a crawling menace.  I feel can't go to the bathroom or take a shower or any of those other stereotypical mama complainants about motherhood.  We had to baby proof the house and now have a morning shower routine so everyone gets to be clean all day.  And yes when I need to, I go to the toilet and leave her to her own devices and pray the Billy bookcase doesn't come crashing down and squish her.  That's the only thing we didn't baby proof.

6)  In addition to the crawling menace I've had adventures in baby led weaning or BLW.  And no I'm not a Hippie Earth Mother.  Even though I made all this Hippie Earth Mother baby food and spent hours mashing and blending it turns out my baby thinks that spoons are red hot pokers meant to torture her and she cries up a storm and refuses to eat from them.  Which is ironic as at my baby shower I received a heap of baby feeding paraphernalia that is about as useful as tits on a racehorse.  So now my day revolves around stopping the Billy book case from squishing the crawling menace AND naps AND preparing sticks of food and picking up piles of squished up food off the floor and wiping down the baby and the highchair and the floor and the walls and the cat three times a day while also trying to be an Awesomely Attached Super Mama.

7)  As well as trying to be Awesomely Attached Super Mama I am also trying to be more creative and crafty.  Muhahaha that sounds like I'm trying to take over the world.  What I mean is, I would like to, and have been attempting to, make things such as home decor, clothes and crafty type things.  I have so far made a cushion that I can't sew closed because it has too much stuffing and a quilted table runner which I am actually pretty pleased with.  I made it from scraps left over from my baby shower bunting. Its not square, its not straight, but its cute and I made it myself, for her.  Win!

So, I might post from time to time.  We'll see.

Help them to sleep

The first few weeks Charlie Bear was a very sleepy baby and needed to be woken for feeds regularly both during the day and at night.  She did have some days after about two weeks where she was fussy and wakeful but generally, for about the first month she just seemed to sleep all the time.  I even started to worry that she was sleeping too much!

At about 5 weeks of age, that definitely changed.  She suddenly "woke up" and my usual routine of feed, play for 30 mins, then sleep for three hours went out the window.  She started wriggling about, and arching her back, turning into an ironing board.  She started complaining a lot when I wrapped her up for a sleep.  She would scream her little heart out, and on a few occasions I cried my heart out too.

Its awful holding a screaming baby trying your hardest to calm them down and nothing seems to work. I would swing between feeling really devastated that she was so upset and nothing would calm her, to wanting to throw her out the window... not that I ever would!

I started to notice that she got really upset as soon as I started wrapping her up.  I was using the standard swaddling technique that is often recommended.  As soon as a laid her down to wrap her up, it would begin, the screaming and ugly crying.  Ugly crying is ugly even in a pretty baby.

I began to think that she didn't want to be wrapped.  I would try and put her to sleep unwrapped, but she would just wave her arms about and get more and more upset, worse that when being wrapped.  So I went back to wrapping her, and I cradling in her in such a way as if I was setting her up for a breastfeed.

This seemed to work, for a little while, but then she cottoned on that the dummy wasn't a proper nipple.  She demanded the nipple, and eventually I gave it to her and off she went to sleep.  Hooray!  I pulled her off the boob and popped her into her bassinet, 10 minutes later, she was wide awake.  A new pattern of catnapping was emerging.  30 minutes of soothing for 10 minutes of sleep.

I would look at other people's sleepy, placid babies, especially in my mothers group and think what on earth is wrong with my baby!  For instance, one time one of the mums put her bub on her playmat and went to the toilet, by the time she came back the baby had fallen asleep, right in front of my eyes.  I was flabbergasted! (By the way, I adore my group and how well we all get on.)

By about 11 weeks old I started to give up and on one particular day I remember she went from about 1pm until 7pm bedtime without a proper nap, just because she was fighting it so much and I wouldn't let her sleep on the boob.

I talked to my local Child Health Nurse, who advised that she needed to be sleeping a lot more than she was for proper brain development.

I panicked and trawled the internet for solutions, but all I could find was that you should continue to wrap your baby and that catnapping was a common experience.  I started to think I need to go to Ngala or some sort of baby bootcamp.  I even contemplated using a popular but controversial sleeping routine.  But it just didn't seem to meld, and she was such a good sleeper at night, which is what most sleep programs aim to improve.

In the end I came across two books called Parenting By Heart and Sleeping Like A Baby, both by Pinky McKay.  I read them both within about three days and from then on things just got better and better.  Why hadn't I heard of her before?  Why isn't this compulsory reading for pregnant ladies and new mums?!

Pinky McKay's whole philosophy is around caring for your baby with love, from the heart, tenderly, gently.  Importantly, she reminds us that baby is not an inconvenience.  I found it odd but by reading these two books I finally felt like I had permission to do what I had always felt bad about doing, namely bringing Charlie Bear in the bed with me or holding her for as long as necessary if she fell asleep on the boob.  It was so empowering, making a conscious decision that I would happily do these things if it made it easier on her and therefore easier on me.

I now enjoy the cuddle time I get to have with her if she falls asleep on the boob, and spend as much time as is necessary to help her go to sleep in her bassinet during the day.  Usually the routine involves book, wrap, dummy, Tomy night star, cuddle/rocking, put down, rub her face with her Flatout bear, pat/shush, creep out, within a time limit.  If she is still wide awake after 10 minutes is up (when the Tomy star turns off) I get her up and try again later.  If its all too hard and I'm exhausted, we jump in the bed and she might surprise me with a two hour sleep, which is heaven compared to the usual 40 minute sleep cycle.

What else did I learn from my wakeful baby?

I learnt that her red flag tired sign was arching her back and getting very stiff and rigid.

I learnt that my baby definitely needed (and still needs) to be wrapped up to sleep.  Actually, she needs to be wrapped twice, in really large wraps, not those crappy 70x70cm ones from Kmart.  I wrap her in a 110cmx110cm thin cotton muslin first, and then follow up with a 120x120cm double sided cotton wrap.  Love to dream swaddles are no good because she just pushes her dummy out of her mouth and then cries.  Same with sleeping bags.  I'm sure this will change and eventually she will sleep with her arms out and without a dummy, all in good time.

I learnt that it doesn't help to compare what your baby does to other babies, because they are all unique and they are their own person.

I learnt that my baby in particular needs help to fall asleep for daytime naps, a lot of help.  And the only person that can help her is me.  (And hubby on weekends.)

I learnt that it is more important that she has a sleep than for me to check Facebook or get the house in some sort of order.

I learnt that this is my job now, caring for her, loving her.

You can buy large (100cmx100cm+) swaddles from:
Aden and Anais
Target
Bluebird and Honey
Bubba Blue

Pinky McKay's books are available from the iTunes store.

The extra nice kind of visitors

In the first weeks of having my baby girl Charlie Bear, I had lots of visitors including family and friends.  They would come bearing gifts and flowers, but most importantly food!  It was great to see so many loved ones within such a short time, and we ate like kings.

However having visitors takes its toll.  You are already sleep deprived and yet you feel obliged to entertain, feed and water the visitors so they feel welcome and will come again.  Then they leave, and you are left with another pile of dishes to wash (no dishwasher in this household, sadly) and a hole in the pantry that needs to be refilled.  And you are tired, oh so tired.

I think I had only one visitor who offered to do some housework. I said she could hang out my sheets on the line, and afterwards she folded a small basket of laundry, unprompted.  You can't really say "Hell yes! Can you please dust, vacuum, mop the floor, and clean the bathroom and toilet while you are at it?  Thanks so much!" while you are sitting on your ass eating a biscuit.  

This same visitor then asked if I would like a glass of water while I was breastfeeding.  She even made me a cup of tea.  What a doll!  These are the extra nice kind of visitors.  It's very refreshing.

I wouldn't expect everyone to offer to do my housework.  It is tedious enough doing your own, so why would you ever offer to do someone else's!  And when visiting someone with a new baby, it doesn't really come up when you are having a nice time catching up, having cuddles and enjoying the new bub. It just doesn't - I totally get it!

But for future reference, when visiting a friend or family member with a new baby, do something useful while you are there.  Even if you make her a cup of tea, or bring some sweets (better yet dinner) it all helps.  If there is a pile of dishes in the sink - wash them (or unpack and stack the dishwasher). If there is a load of laundry that needs drying, hang it out.  Just these few small gestures will help a new mum feel a little more supported and in control, when so much of their life at the point is chaotic.

Tethered

Previously I have talked about the breastfeeding difficulties I had in the first few weeks of being Charlie Bear's mummy.  I ended up using a nipple shield with every single feed for about three months - and only just now have a been able to feed her without it.

Nowadays, the feeds are very different and much more enjoyable. She still doesn't attach all that well and tends to pull on my nipples - but it doesn't hurt me nearly as much as it used to.  She seems to have drawn my nipples out more and they seem harder and more resistant to damage than they were in those first few weeks.

I'm enjoying having her breastfeed with full contact about 50% of the time.  The other 50% of the time I use the shields because she is either messing about and not attaching or I'm feeling a bit tender,  interestingly this happens more with the left side than the right.  I have better posture on the left side but she attaches worse. Conversely I get a sore shoulder on the right hand side as I seem to hunch when she is on that side, but she attaches much better on the right.

While the feeds are going much better nowadays, there is still a downside to this exclusive breastfeeding business.  I'm currently unable to express any milk in excess of about 10-20 mls - not that it matters - Charlie Bear refuses to drink out of a bottle anyway.  In that vein this means I am tethered to her.  During the day, I can only go out by myself for an hour and a half maximum, and only immediately after a feed.  Hubby has tried several times to bottle feed her expressed milk and it has just ended in tears for more than just baby.  It recently occurred to me maybe I could try a supply line - then she could suck on a finger (anyones!!). I must give this a go one day soon.  I would like just to have the option to leave her with someone when she is going to need a feed - or else it will be six months without having a break from her, and as much as I love her, I'd like to have some flexibility.

In researching supply lines on the interwebs I stumbled across this blog - I wish I had found it earlier as it has that "real person experience" which is invaluable to order to avoid developing feelings of inadequacy when what works for you contradicts expert opinion.  http://commumsense.com/2011/01/22/top-ten-tips-for-surviving-breastfeeding-supply-issues/

I'm planning on going out tomorrow night to a party sans hubby and baby (after she's gone to bed, obviously, when the boobies aren't needed for another 5 or so hours).  It should be interesting.  I wonder if I will be able to have a conversation about anything else than babies? And - will I dare to have a drink!???

Breastfeeding is a pain in more ways than one

My baby had a difficult birth requiring vacuum extraction so she had a bit of a squished head. I believe this lead to her being a slightly jaundiced, which makes newborn babies very sleepy. To flush out the jaundice they have to be woken to be fed every three hours, otherwise the condition can worsen leading to other complications.  In hospital I coped with this with lots of support from the midwives, but once we came home I found this extremely stressful.

My baby was not a good feeder, as she had very poor attachment at the breast.  A tongue-tie was corrected surgically while we were still in hospital, so I was sent home in the belief that the surgical correction would magically alleviate the problems I was having with feeds.  It didn't.

During the first night after we came home from hospital I got more and more anxious about waking my baby for feeds.  Firstly, I was finding it very difficult to adjusting to having a newborn baby to look after when there are no midwives or nurses on hand at the push of a button.  Secondly, I was not getting much sleep at night as we had her in our bedroom with us in a bassinet (as is advised by SIDS and Kids).  She was not a quiet sleeper, and made lots and lots of snorting and snuffling noises that seemed to scrape on my already strung out nerves.

Thirdly, and most importantly, the time and effort that it was taking to feed my baby was physically and emotionally painful and exhausting.  She could not attach properly and was 'nipple-feeding' which was really painful, and three hourly feeds doesn't mean three hours between feeds, it means three hours from the beginning of the last feed.  So, if you start a feed at 12am you need to start the next one at 3am.  Experts will tell you a breastfeed should take 20 minutes on each side.  It was taking me and hour and a half to feed my baby, as she was so sleepy she would feed sporadically before falling asleep. I would have to tickle her feet, pat her on the back, tickle under the chin, sponge her head with a wet flannel and so on, to wake her up and keep feeding.

All this meant I was getting no sleep - it was a constant cycle of hour and a half feeds then an hour and half of lying awake listening to her snuffling and snorting, getting more and more anxious about the next feed and how painful it would be.

The child health nurses that visited us at home in the first days at home didn't help in trying to get my baby to attach properly or referring me to a lactation consultant, but instead suggested expressing milk and bottle feeding, or giving her baby formula.  I didn't feel very comfortable giving her formula as I had made the decision very early on in my pregnancy to exclusively breastfeed for as long as possible.  They discharged me after two visits with the advice to go to the hospital if I ever felt overwhelmed.

On the second day at home my anxiety was sky-high, so much so I was shaking and trying to swallow down my panic.  It wasn't rational at all, what is so hard about waking a baby to feed her?  But feeding was getting harder and harder.  My nipples were getting more and more sore - red, cracked and bleeding even with regular application of nipple balm.  I was dreading feeding my baby, and not enjoying her at all.  I was really starting to get to the point of wanting to give her back - but to whom!?

By the second evening at home, I called it.  We went to a GP clinic who immediately referred me to the Emergency Department at Joondalup Health Campus.  I asked if I could use some hospital equipment to express milk so I could feed my baby while we were waiting.  This is probably the best thing I could have done because it meant a nurse had to come in and show me how to use it.  Her name was Lily and she ended up being the person who turned things around for me.

She came in smelling to high heaven of cigarette smoke, obviously just off from smoke-o.  It always surprises me when health professionals smoke - but then again, I don't exercise nearly as much as I should do, everyone has a vice.  Blonde and probably pushing 60, she was motherly and kind but also very matter of fact, down to earth and had a practical perspective, which most other health professionals I had dealt with to this point had definitely lacked.

Her advice was to scrap the regimented feeding schedule and forget watching the clock.  Finish the feed, settle her back to sleep, get yourself a cup of tea and relax, then check what the time is.  Don't worry about starting the next feed at three hours on the dot, but don't go longer than five hours.  She also said not to feel guilty about giving her formula if that was the only way to get her to feed.  Her son had formula and he turned out ok.  I asked if she was a midwife or lactation consultant - she said no, but she was a Mum.  I went home much calmer and the rising panic subsided.

When my baby was 10 days old we took her to have her newborn photography session at Kristy Mannix Photography.  She was so good, she stayed asleep pretty much the whole time and only wet herself once.  After the session was over we were chatting with the photographer Kristy and her assistant Carly about how things were going.  When I explained about the problems I was having with feeds, one of the girls (I can't remember who now!) said that her friend had a similar experience with her baby and had invested in some nipple shields and they had really helped.  Nipple shields, I asked, what is a nipple shield?

Nipple shields are amazing.  They are soft silicone teats that go over your nipples, with a wide flange that goes over the areola.  Wow! I had never heard of those before!  We immediately drove to the chemist and bought a set, sterilised them and used them at the next feed.  It was instant relief and my baby had the best feed in ages.  She was still sleepy and taking a long time with feeds, but now she was breastfeeding and not nipple-feeding!  Things were looking up.

That weekend we went to a family lunch.  I was still stressed out as although the nipple shields were helping my baby feed more efficiently, I had a blocked duct that was quite painful and uncomfortable.  Family members that asked how things were going got probably more information than they intended, but it had an amazing effect.

Suddenly, all the mums, cousins and aunties were telling me their breastfeeding woes with their own children.  How they had used nipple shields for 9 months.  How they had stroke the baby with a wet flannel to keep them awake during feeds.  How they had flat and inverted nipples.  How the baby had a tongue-tie (my husband).  How they had to feed the baby formula (also my husband, and he turned out ok!).  I was floored.  How come no-one ever said anything about how hard breastfeeding is?!  Then it hit me - unless it is currently happening to you or has happened to you, how on earth can you ever describe the pain and emotional anguish that goes with breastfeeding difficulties, especially when you are determined to exclusively breastfeed.

This is just one example of the most valuable lessons I have learned over and over again in my (so far short) journey as a mother.  On one hand, Health Professionals will tell you what a baby "should" do as defined by the textbooks, and give you standardised advice according to their health care policies.  I have found that a lot of information (in baby care books, and on websites) talk about how nipple shields can reduce your supply - this never happened to me.  On the other hand, Real Mums will tell you what babies actually do and also provide helpful, useful and practical advice.  I have since had several conversations with Real Mums who freely admitted that using a nipple shield was the only way they could feed their baby.

The problem is that sifting through all the conflicting information and finding what works for you.  This is extremely difficult when you are sleep deprived and so deeply concerned about your little one - so when you do find something that works, go with it!

Childbirth is horrendous, but I'd do it again

I found my first childbirth experience absolutely horrendous.  Now I have had some space and time to process it all, I am sure if I had made more of an effort and prepared myself a little more from an emotional perspective, the experience or the outcome would not have changed, but the way I felt about it afterward would have been different.

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (GDM) and so my labour was induced when I was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I was told this is because the placenta does not function as well after the 40 weeks mark in GDM, and being a public patient, I had to go with the flow.

Basically the induction process involved prostin gel, a syntocin drip and rupturing of the membranes.  This was all fine, or it was relative to what happened at the pointy end of things.

In a normal vaginal birth, the baby's head has to come down and then turn slightly to get around the pelvic bones.  If this progresses normally, there is a point at which the mother has an incredible urge to push and nothing in the world can stop her, or so I've been told.  I never had this urge. At all.  And hence after a full hour of being fully dilated and trying to push in vain, the worried looks and whispering between doctor and midwife began.

From the way they were shoving their fingers inside to feel the position of the head, and consulting together in hushed tones, I was able to figure out that my baby's head had not turned around the U-bend and was facing the wrong way. They tried to encourage me to push by the yet more shoving of fingers inside - "Push against my fingers!" and strategic placement of a large mirror on wheels (Are my lady parts really that big!?: No, they are just swollen).

After about an hour and half of this, the crack team of medicos was called in.  This is when you know things are not going well, when a senior registrar, a paediatrician and the head of the obstetrics department all arrive at the same time, and start putting on scrub aprons and bringing out scalpels and vacuum extractors and the like.  I was informed that intervention was necessary - primarily a vacuum extraction (colloquially known as a kiwi).

From my excellent vantage point with the table angled just so, feet in stirrups (I thought these were just for the movies!), I could watch the doctor pulling and tugging away while I tried to push.  He managed to work up quite a sweat, and I swear if he could have put a foot up to get some leverage he would have.

On the third attempt at extraction the pump popped off my baby's head and took some of her scalp with it. Thankfully she was delivered on the fourth attempt. I asked the doctor afterwards how many attempts are made before they consider the other options?: Five. I then asked what happens if I had not delivered after attempt five?: Forceps and then a caesarean.

Now the problem with vacuum extractions is that you more often than not need an episiotomy, which is the fancy medical term for cutting from your vaginal wall outwards with scissors.  The doctor gave me a local anaesthetic, but it didn't do jack all for me.  I've heard other people say they never felt theirs being done.  I felt mine, for sure.  There are people in China who heard me scream.

There is some contention as to whether natural tears are better than surgical intervention, but in my case it didn't really matter as I tore upwards anyway.  Upwards you ask? Yes upwards, as in up right through the inner and upper lady parts, where the fun is to be had in the bedroom.  This is great in terms of bowel continence, but rubbish for sitting on your backside and going to the toilet for about six weeks, and of course, bedroom antics.

There is more.

The third stage of labour is when the placenta is delivered, this is now "managed" in hospitals.  This means they inject your thigh with syntocin to make sure the uterus contracts enough to push the placenta off, so it can be pulled out via the cord.  As the doctor was pulling on the cord, it snapped off leaving the placenta behind.  Oh the joy! I got to have more hands on the inside, pulling bits of placenta out of me.  This is less than painless and I needed the gas the entire time this procedure was being done, about 10 minutes.

Nope, not done yet, there is still more.

Now for the stitching up and recovery phase. Once the placenta had been confirmed as wholly removed, they could repair the damage downstairs.   Once again, local anaesthetic that didn't do jack, and once again I was sucking on the gas for about half an hour.  Afterwards I asked the doctor How many stitches?: Just one, it's a running stitch. But how many times did you stitch?: Quite a few.  How many is quite a few, 10, 20... 30!?: Yes about 30.  Holy Moses.  There goes my sex life.

The normal procedure for a natural labour and birth is for the baby to remain on mums chest for a cuddle and attempt at feeding within about an hour of birth, before showering and going back to the ward.  My memory of this part is very hazy, I barely remember what happened after the stitching was finished, but by that time an hour had already passed.  I know that we did attempt a feed and it didn't go well, probably because my baby had a sore head and was feeling a bit squashed and confused. So a midwife came bearing syringes and we extracted colostrum manually and she fed it to my baby.  I got to have a shower and something to eat, and then we were ready go to back to the ward.

The thing I remember most about this part was that the only wheelchair they could find was for obese patients, basically a double width wheelchair.  For some strange reason, even though I was completely emotionally shattered by what had happened, on the way back I was cracking jokes with the midwifes about how fat I had gotten during my pregnancy and how I needed an oversize wheelchair.

When I finally got to the ward, the birth suite midwife did a changeover with the ward midwife.  This seemed to take forever, and they were a bit chatty.  I started to get frustrated.  I hadn't fed my baby yet. Why weren't they bothered that I hadn't fed my baby yet? I haven't fed my baby yet, can I feed her now?: In a moment, no rush. 

My birth experience had not been what I expected, what with my baby's head getting stuck and needing the vacuum extraction, having both an episiotomy and tearing, having my placenta manually extracted, not being able feed my baby in the delivery suite, and now the midwives were brushing me off.  I started to get a bit anxious, and repeated myself a few times. I think they finally got the message that I wanted to attempt a feed again.  So, they brought her to me (remember, sore backside, hurts to move!) and we tried to have a feed.  Immediately I started crying and crying.  Even though in that moment I had absolutely no desire to go through what had just happened ever again, I was so happy that my little baby girl had arrived safely and was alive and well.  She might have had a sore on her head and been a bit squished, but she was otherwise healthy and doing all the things a little newborn baby should do.

At the time I felt absolutely shattered both physically and emotionally, and I was appalled at what had happened to me and my baby.  For weeks afterwards, visitors would ask me How was the birth? and I would say: Childbirth is horrendous.  Now I think I was just underprepared, and I had a relatively uncomplicated birth on the balance of things.

During my pregnancy I just had not ever contemplated what birthing might be like, instead pushing all thoughts of childbirth out of my head, and adopting a "she'll be right" attitude.  I now see that I was sticking my head in the sand, when I should have been at least acknowledging that I might not have a "normal" birth.

Importantly, what if it had been worse? What if something really bad had happened, like my baby's heart rate dropping, or my blood pressure going through the roof, or a prolapsed cord, or haemorrhage, or... the list goes on.  And it happens! It happens every day, to women all over the world, they have much worse complications and lose their babies in the process, sometimes even their own lives.

I wasn't ever told by anyone how to prepare, but if they did I wouldn't have listened anyway.  You can't ever force someone to do something they don't want to do.  I didn't want to think about childbirth, and apart from the obligatory "pain relief" discussion with the doctors at the hospital, I just assumed that things would go the way they would and there was nothing I could do about it.  This might be true, but it is also quite a disempowering way of looking at things.  Now I can look objectively and say I had a difficult birth but a good outcome, now I have a lovely little bub whom I adore, and yes, I'd do it all over again.